I wonder if anyone ever looks at me while I’m doing something and thinks I’m pretty. Because I do that all the time to people.
1. Stop faking your fucking orgasms. Society already tells young men that they run the fucking universe - if they can’t turn your cunt into a shooting star then for god’s sake, let them know about it.
2. Once you’ve stopped faking your fucking orgasms, use this newfound honesty throughout the rest of your life - stop ordering coffee you don’t actually like; stop sitting at a desk and allowing people to treat you like shit in the hopes that a meek attitude will earn you a promotion (it won’t); stop telling people they can finish your food when you’re not actually done yet. These may seem petty, but they add up, just like every orgasm you didn’t actually get to have.
3. If you wanna dance all night, dance all fucking night. Dance all night even if you have work in the morning. The worst that will happen is you’ll drink RedBull all day and look like a zombie - pass it off as a head cold to the real zombies you work with and flick through the embarrassing photos you’re being tagged in as you pretend to take a shit for some peace and quiet. I promise, you’ll remember dancing all night in ten years, not the suspicious way your boss looked at you that morning.
4. If your ass looks big in that, that’s a good thing.
5. You will never be as young as you are this second. Embrace it.
6. Embrace the fact that you’re going to get older. Ask your boyfriend if he will still love you when you’re seventy and your tits are down to your knees. Look forward to this time - seventy year old women are allowed to do pretty much whatever they want, and no-one can stop them. You can carry candy in your bag and not share it with a single soul. You can stay home all day and cross-stitch expletives onto handkerchiefs for your grandchildren and slip them under the table out of sight of the people you raised. You can drink whisky at 10am. Every phase of your life is going to be amazing for different reasons. Embrace that.
7. A lot of people will pretend to love Bukowski. Don’t pretend to love Bukowski if you don’t love Bukowski. It’s overplayed and no-one will mind if you actually like Virginia Andrews instead - the people who do mind are boring.
Tumblr on We Heart It - http://weheartit.com/entry/58699189/via/fantasticdelusional
Hearted from: http://jahjahmeleve.tumblr.com/post/48130758225
Here’s the mini I made for Genghis Con! It came from a joke I made on twitter a while back about dogs and wi-fi.
I still have some physical copies of the book left so if you’re interested in buying one, send me a message or email or something. There are a lot of ways to contact me.
Yup that’s pretty much the series in a nutshell.
i could go into the kitchen and make soup right now. i could chop up a whole onion and put it in there and nobody could stop me. i could put cereal in it. i could dump the whole bowl onto the floor and roll around in it naked while barbie girl plays and then order ten of those 7 foot long gummy snakes online and nobody could do a goddamned thing. being an adult is terrifying
this is too much power for one person to have
I have a friend who is dyslexic and one time he said “I put the sexy into dyslexia” and he waited for like thirty seconds and just went “fuck.”
one minute you’re studying and everything is going fine and the next minute you have 7 tabs of tumblr open, listening to an audio post, writing a shitty text post, and wondering why you’re such a fucking failure
a boy and a girl are sitting together on a bench after a romantic date. “can i kiss you?” the boy says. the girl nods and the boy pulls out black and white face paint and starts putting it on her face. “you’re going to be gene simmons” he whispers.